The L8 Bloomers

Weddings seemed a lot cheaper when I was a kid.

When you’re young you dream about:

1. Finding the right person

2. Getting married and

3. Living happily ever after

No one really talks about what happens in between number one and two. You grow up watching movies where once people fall in love, they get married. Nobody mentions how hard it is to ACTUALLY GET MARRIED!!

We first met back in university, within the first few months we would hint about what our wedding would be like. It was great at the time because it was a distant image way into the future. We never had any expectations of getting married at the time and starting a family within the first few months. We were kids! Then we grew up. Now we actually have to make it happen, and I feel all the more responsible.

Generally, it will fall down to the man to make the first move. He buys the ring, seeks the father’s approval and then he makes the proposal.  The good news is, the ball is in your court…. You decide when you feel it’s the right time, because you can’t get married without proposing first.  The bad news is, now the pressure is on YOU and you’re the one EVERYBODY will interrogate.

According to a recent survey of 4,000 brides, the average cost of a wedding in the UK is now £27,161, the highest it’s ever been, and also 9 percent higher than the year before.  God help the next generation, who at this rate will have to eat bread and soup at the reception, in order to afford a middle of the road wedding.

What makes it worse is when your friends start proposing to their girlfriends, who they’ve probably only been with for a year. You get invited and you’re so happy for them, even though at the back of your mind you wonder, how on earth they were able to afford it! According to a new research, couples face so much pressure to have a dream wedding that 23% are prepared to borrow money to fund their lavish event. Not to mention the vast amount of young adults who are receieving aid from the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Yet somehow, these statistics above have no effect whatsoever on their lives post-wedding and they seemingly live ‘happily ever after’ like a Disney movie. Meanwhile, I can only look at my girl and say; “…don’t worry, ours will be worth the wait.’

As a man I feel that I have to be in control. I want to be the provider for my future wife and kids. But the extras don’t help; the family members smiling at you while they ask “so when’s the big day?” As if I genuinely have a date in your mind that I’m ready to disclose. The average cost of a wedding in the 90s was £5,000. Its quadrupled since then. It’s frustrating to know that I could have had multiple weddings back then for that kind of money.

There are times where I think, who needs marriage anyway?? Isn’t my love enough? Do I really need to get married just to fit into a society where we take to social media to show off our rings? Adulthood peer pressure is akin to school, when you can’t wait for muftiday to show off your latest pair of trainers. ​

Nobody really thinks about what happens after the wedding. The property we move into, the furniture we get, the kids that we’re bound to provide for. So are we expected to pay for the wedding and then all of this? Now of course I want to give her the best wedding possible, but what actually matters more in the long run?

On top of every woman’s dream of having a special wedding, my girl just so happens to in the industry. Her whole career is pretty much centred around weddings. For example, when watching TV, I can see from the corner of my eye that she’s googling a new wedding related brand. Now of course she’ll say that she isn’t fussed how big the wedding is and how much money we put into it, but deep down I know that’s not the case. In the meantime, I guess I just have to deal with watching shows like ‘Say Yes to the Dress’.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t go to Uni. I would’ve stayed in a job straight out of school so that i’d be good for money right now. But, on the other hand, if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t have met her!

After five years of being together, we both know that commitment isn’t the issue, now we just have to focus on ourselves and our careers, the reason we can’t splash out right now is because we are both trying to forge paths that will make us comfortable for the future.

All in all, there have been a few lessons I’ve picked up along the way:

1. Monetize. The specific job you get is less important than getting the job itself. There is no way you can think about getting married without any form of cash flow. Life is much easier waking up everyday and looking out for that one special job, but stay focused on what could have been achieved in the meantime. Growing up over the years I’ve worked in coffee shops, bars, theatres, security, offices, studios and festivals. None of which I’ve wanted as a career, but I have gained life experiences that can never be replaced. This will also set the tone early of being able to provide for your family in the future.

2. Save. For some of us, getting the job is one thing but saving the money is an entirely different issue. Either we spend so much and realise at the end that it’s all gone, or that YOLO mindset pops up in the spur of the moment. Personally, I’ve always found saving harder than finding a job. The mentality was always ‘if I spend this now, I’ll make it back next month’.  Yet, out of all of the jobs that were mentioned above, not a penny was left untouched. Saving is a discipline that has come with my new found maturity. It’s unreasonable to expect that you’ll put all your money aside every month and bring in one dead homemade cheese sandwich between 9-5 every day. However, regulating the amount of money you spend and what you spend it on will reward you down the line. I have now been able to move from my family home and I’m renting with a friend, which is definitely a step in the right direction.

3. Be open with your close friends and relatives. Instead of feeling negative about friends and family asking that familiar question: “when are you getting married?”, we can be honest. Why not open up and admit how much you intend to get married and some of the challenges that you’re facing? The majority of men can somewhat relate to you, they’ve all been in a similar situation before. You never know who can help you in every situation.

4. Communicate with your partner. This is the key lesson I’ve learnt over the years. No matter what the problem is, whatever you’re dealing with, communication is vital. Author and playwright George Bernard Shaw once wrote that, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”. As men, we sometimes feel that we should guard our emotions and deal with problems head on. We’d be surprised by how much simple communication can reduce the stress of any problem we face. Getting that support and sometimes even compromise from our partners can change the whole situation entirely, and give us a perspective we’ve never even thought of. Honest and open communication about what works for both of you is key to navigating your relationship.

For now, I know that with or without a wedding my relationship will continue to flourish. The most important thing is to enjoy the journey with your best friend, rather than getting caught up with the destination wedding. Stay true to yourself and understand that, this millennial struggle is just a chapter in our lives, you’ll see… Years from now we’ll all look back at this time period and laugh…..Fingers crossed.

From one bloomer to another.

Still, we bloom.