At the end of the year I usually take time to reflect on what went right, what went wrong and what I felt most content about. I really enjoy this time. I see it as another chance to celebrate the highs from my Instagram highlight reel, the good news stories from the group WhatsApp chats and other personal victories. It’s also a time where I get super real with myself identifying where I could have done better. Perhaps, I should have not entertained that relationship full of red flags, maybe I should’ve left that job a little sooner. I go through my list and tick off all the things and achievements that I got ‘right’ and convince myself that in the new year, where I didn’t achieve what I wanted, maybe I’ll get ‘it’ right, later on…
The other night, I went to dinner with a good friend and as usual we ate, we drank and we laughed until our stomachs hurt and tears streamed down our faces. As dinner drew to a close, and the drinks stopped flowing, the conversation got a bit more serious. My friend began to commend me on all that I had achieved and ticked off my 2018 list. I then began to expect my friend to continue the praise and support, by asking me what else I had planned for the year ahead, and what else I wanted to do.
This time was different.
She asked, ‘This year Ama, have you thought about being open to what life may give you, instead of you ordering life to give you what you think you want?’
I grew silent. This hit me hard.
I honestly couldn’t answer her question. I began to ponder on the 2019 list I had already planned and written down in my journal. My friend also asked me to think about what would happen if I didn’t achieve all of these things. Would I still be genuinely happy with myself? Would I still feel successful? Would I still feel fulfilled by the life I am living….?
On my way home from dinner, my mind couldn’t stop thinking. So, I had a conversation with the Uber driver about the questions my friend asked. The driver, a Middle Eastern man in his mid-40s told me that, he believes that the problem of my generation is that we put too much pressure on ourselves to be, and attain so much in such a small timescale. The driver told me he grew up on a farm in his native country and said growing up, he knew the importance of time. He also told me to go home and read about seeds, planting and harvesting- drawing a touching metaphor.
According to research, it turns out Millennials do feel more pressure. 67% of them said they felt “extreme” pressure to succeed, compared to 40% of GenXers and 23% Boomers. As we approached home and my Uber journey came to an end, the driver challenged me to think differently about the concept of time and achievement.
Let’s face it, we all have goals, we all have plans. I am a huge advocate of writing things down and planning what I hope to achieve. The benefits and success of this have been proven time and time again.
However, as a result, what happens when we put too much pressure on ourselves to make sure we achieve all the goals on our list? Is this pressure too much? Does it leave room for us to try new things (compared to the ‘prescribed’ and ‘predictable’ route to success)? What about the space for spontaneity? Does it leave us incredibly anxious if we fall off the path that we have set for ourselves to tread?
I recently read an article written by Mark Manson, author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life”. He advises us to be careful when adopting new plans and goals that tend to imprison us and in turn, could harm the success and happiness that we’ve already built for ourselves in the now!
So… what’s your point Amaka, do we leave everything open to chance and not plan at all?
Well, planning is fundamental to reaching set goals; after all, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. However, I am now in a mind space where I have decided to live differently. I have decided to leave room for the unexpected surprises. What life has in store for me is even bigger and better than I could have ever imagine for myself. When I really think about it, I want to live a full life, one that isn’t rigid with the details of the how and when. In reality, this now looks like deciding to be more patient with myself, living in the present moment rather than too far in the future and allowing something new into my life; even if it wasn’t part of the grand plan. I must admit, the sense of adventure that I have got from living this kind of way in the last few weeks has truly made me a hell of a lot happier, centred, peaceful and most importantly free.
As a result, over the last few weeks I have become aligned to people who I didn’t even realise I needed to be connected with, opportunities and great blessings that I couldn’t have predicted flowed effortlessly into my life. As I have let go of the need to tick everything off my list, I have decided to accept a few more risks (this is huge for someone as risk adverse as myself!!) and trust the unknown even more. This has really made my life so much more interesting. I never really know what’s coming next, and I am okay with that. It has also helped me to put myself out there each and every day.
As for my 2019 list and the goals I hope to achieve, I still have them. However, I am not obsessing over how I will manage to make it work so I can tick them all off with satisfaction. I am now even more excited to go into the next decade of my life.
Sure, accepting the unknown/taking risks isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world.
But for real, I can see that it seems like the best things you find in life are never planned! Even looking back on my life, I can’t believe how caught up in plans and schedules I was that I even forgot to be spontaneous. After all, surely it doesn’t really matter how long it takes to achieve something, as long as you get there in the end.
Still, we bloom.
