So, I’m talking to a guy…Let’s call him ‘NYC bae’ (for the obvious reason that he lives in NYC). The conversation takes that 360 degree turn to sex, and I casually ask him how many people he has slept with. He starts to get a bit awkward and decides not to tell me. Considering that our previous conversation had been about his college days where he partied and ‘hooked up’ with girls, it honestly piqued my interest. I’m Australian and for me the term ‘hooking up’ means kissing, so when I realised he was using it as a euphemism for sex, I did a little mental arithmetic!
To be totally honest, I don’t actually care how many people NYC bae, or anyone else has slept with, because the reality is that it’s already happened and can’t be changed. Full disclosure, I don’t actually know how many people I have slept with. Once I hit double digits after a very painful breakup in my early 20’s, I stopped counting. However, I have some friends who think otherwise. The friend who keeps a list in their phone, the friend whose number you can count on three fingers, and then the friend who after hitting number 49, refused to sleep with anyone else, until she met her now husband.
There have been mixed reactions to my lax counting abilities, from both men and women. I’ve had:
1. People who think I’m lying
2. People who think I have only slept with a few people,
3. Female friends who have asked me to recall the men
4. Men who have assumed that I’m willing to be promiscuous with them
5. And then, the one guy who straight up called me a “dirty slut”
Without going into how ridiculous slut shaming is in 2018, it’s important that we discuss sexual responsibility.
To be quite frank I am of the opinion that whatever your age, if you’re engaging in any type of sexual activity, you are responsible for your own sexual health!
This message also applies to those in long-term relationships. Betrayal is cruel, but what’s even more cruel is not putting your health first in all situations. But, I digress…
This means getting regular sexual health checks. In a time where HIV/AIDS is on the rise again, it is important to note that whilst there are some pretty amazing drug advancements they aren’t fool proof. Using a condom is still the best way forward for protection from STI’s.
Furthermore, research has shown that 1 in 3 people have had chlamydia and around 14 million people are infected with HPV every year, in UK there has been a drop in the amount of people (particularly those aged 15-18 and 25-30) who access the free contraception and sexual health clinics that are available.
With these surprisingly common statistics, there is no reason for there to be stigma or shame about maintaining your sexual health and being a responsible adult.
Through media and pop culture we are often told that, if you have slept with what is deemed ‘too many,’ you’re too easy and, if you have slept with ‘too few,’ you’re a prude. Film’s like 2011 ‘What’s Your Number?’ staring Anna Farris and Chris Evans (howdy cap! Infinity War anyone?!), emphasise this ideology, when part of the story line focuses on Farris’ character reading a Marie Claire article stating that women who have had more than 20 sexual partners may find it difficult to find a husband (good thing that marriage isn’t a big deal for me!). More interestingly is that there is no equivalent standard for men..why is it more acceptable for a man to have had a high number of sexual partners? but it’s not acceptable for me to be out having fun adding people to my ‘hoe-tation’ (who loves Insecure?!).
On the other hand, we are faced with overtly sexual pop culture, and sex continues to sell. From some music videos, which are still filled with women fawning over men and the Kardashians utilising their ‘ass-ets’ and sinched plastic faces to sell skinny tea, the examples are endless.
In turn, this makes it difficult for people who may have had a handful or zero sexual partners. Nowadays, being a virgin over a certain age is almost deemed as something to be ashamed of, something that makes you seem like an untouchable egg in a danger zone.
I once caught wind of an outrageous story. A young lady was told to leave a guy alone and only come back to him after she lost her virginity elsewhere, just because he felt she was a liability. There should be no shame in waiting for the right person or just until you feel ready, whether you are a man or a woman.
In a recent episode of ‘The Read’ (one of my favourite podcasts) a girl writes in saying she finds penetrative sex painful and therefore is still a virgin and countless times has been turned down by men for this reason. She is expressing it as a problem that she has, because she has not heard of other women experiencing this, but her stance isn’t as uncommon as you think.
As women, we are often taught that our sexual desires are either dirty or lesser to a man’s, even though we probably think about it as much as they do (maybe even more!). In an article by Lili Loofbourow, titled The Female Price of Male Pleasure, she delves into the many sexual obligations women feel to the detriment of their own sexual pleasure. But are we truly responsible for our own sexual pleasure? And if so, how are we taking control of it?
She quotes research by NCBI stating that 30% of women report having experienced pain during vaginal sex and 72% during anal sex, without disclosing it to their sexual partners. This statistic matters, because while men, state ‘bad sex’ is a boring or lack-lustre partner (I have been there and I can relate!), for most women ‘bad sex’ can mean coercion, emotional discomfort and/or physical pain (again, been there). No wonder some feel ashamed to discuss our sexual partners when we (as women and I’m sure some men) are dealing with LITERAL pain during sex.
So, where’s the middle ground?!
What we aren’t shown through media is that we all have different stories. My sexual experience is not the same as any other persons, nor do I feel any shame that my number is above 20… because do you know what? I LOVE sex and I am a sexual person!
I didn’t really start to enjoy sex until I met my first serious boyfriend at 20. Nonetheless, I would say that my sexual tastes are still evolving at 29. I don’t think that’s anything to do with experience or age, I think it is more to do with me and being more comfortable with myself and knowing it’s ok to instruct someone so that you feel pleasure too.
So, to wrap it all up, here is what I think:
1. If you don’t want to disclose your number then don’t, as long as you aren’t doing it out of shame or even if you are ashamed, it might be time to start digging into why? and find a healthy way to deal with it.
2. Be aware that, not everyone uses contraception and many people lie about being clean because the truth is, they’ve never been bothered to check. So, if you feel strongly about it, insist on using condoms and if not, make sure you get STI checks regularly. There are many STI’s that don’t show symptoms in both sexes, and can be detrimental to not only your health but also your fertility.
3. If you are old enough to be having sex, you are old enough to be sexually responsible. At The L8 Bloomers we have writers from all over the world, but in the UK, contraception and health advice is FREE! So go to your local sexual health clinic or doctor and find out what the best option is for you, because let me tell you, in Australia some types of oral contraception cost AUD$90-150 for only 3 months!
4. Do not EVER let anyone shame you for your sexual history, because for better or worse it is part of who you are. We don’t all have the same sexual past and a lot of us have experienced trauma or upset through it, but we can only learn our lessons and move on. Your sexual past does not make you a better or lesser person! Know how awesome you are and know your worth!
Still, we bloom.
Illustration by @sophierosebrampton
